PLAYFIGHT

by The Joe

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    OLD UGLY is the drive to the doctor's office. This one's on us.

      name your price

     

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03:32
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(free) 05:03
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about

This is how this tape went down: I had two weeks without any shows so I was all like: I need to use this time to MAKE MONEY. So I wrote one song every day. This was right around when Mikey Maybe put out his tape cassette (which is so hopelessly vogue right now (and furthermore: AFFORDABLE)) so I called up Mitch and I was all like: "Yo, Mitch, Yo, Mitch, yo yo yo yo yo, let's make fun of Mikey in the most complicated and profitable way possible." And so it was. The two of us released a mixtape on the SAME DAY at the SAME PLACE. And Mikey Maybe opened.
Now I've GOT MONEY, so this spinnie is for free.

credits

released June 19, 2010

All beats Stolen! (maniacal laughter ensues)
All lyrics by JOE the freaking joe GURBA of course (except where mitch is rapping)
All songs recorded, mixed, mitched, and kinda mastered by MITCH freaking HOLTBY
except THE SOUND OF GOD by the mad talented JASON freaking ZERBIN.
All tapes and cases purchased by Mikey freaking Hamm (OLD UGLY Minister of Tape Affairs), lmaolplzzzz, I'll pay you back.
Tape dubber borrowed from Parker freaking Thiessen, an old friend.
All artwork by the one and only Car Buckley, looking good in your neighborhood.
I wanted to name this album Without This Fire but Playfight was a stronger title.
But I still want to be taken seriously.

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Track Name: PLAYFIGHT
we get home from school, turn on the television,
my little brothers caleb and curly can tell i'm bored,
it must be wintertime, or we would be outside,
we all wish we had the power to up and teleport,
the commercials are boring, even maury is boring,
i start to sort of nudge my brother curly with my toe,
he's all like stop it joe, and i just ignore him,
the spark ignites in all our eyes and we're ready to go,
we all rush up the stairs, let's get ready to rumble,
i'm the oldest and biggest so it's them verse me,
i throw them on the bed, i throw them off the bed,
they hate how strong i am, but they've got the energy,
they need to team up, once they team up,
i'm in trouble, Caleb's coming off the turn buckle
clothes line, curly's ducked behind, that's a mean cut,
THEY GOT ME BY THE LEGS AND NECK, SCREAMING WHO'S YR UNCLE?


CALEB, CURLY, LET'S HAVE A PLAYFIGHT, BABY,
PLAYFIGHT WITH ME


BUT I get curly in a headlock, his face is turning red hot,
caleb comes from the back with a plastic goal post, head shot,
curly bites my leg, i jump up and gag, there's just a bit of blood
caleb swings from the top bunk, cheap shot, both feet plow into my gut,
oh, now i'm winded but i jump up in rage and I'm chasing them,
both of them thundering down the stairs into the open den. Caleb's climbed
the couch, he's poised to jump curly's diggin in the drawers,
he pulls a knife, i'm like what's that for, he says i'm gonna open up.
yeah i'm gonna open up, a can of whoop ass,
i run to the garage and grab a chain and a torque wrench,
i return to find a haze of smoke and a metalic stench,
i creep into the bathroom, lock the door, begin to plan my defense,
i lift the toilet tank but hey, where's my weapon?
dang it curly, i knew you'd steal my smif and wesson,
open up the cupboard, unscrew the plumbing pipes,
i learned how to build a gun before i learned to ride a bike.
caleb knocks slowly, i'm all like back up,
where is curly? caleb says look in the bath tub
i say OH NO YOU DIDN'T
he says OH YES I DID.
I SLIDE AWAY THE SHOWER CURTAIN, CURLY'S DEAD!
i take him in my arms, i'm weeping over him,
i sweep the bloodied hair out of his lifeless eyes,
in the distance i can hear the sirens closing in,
caleb pleads, help me joe, he stabbed me in the thigh,
I unlock the door, he looks woozy, he begins to cry,
he faints into my arms and i'm just glad that he's alive.
the paramedics storm inside, broken glass is crunching,
i slip the medic fifty bucks, tell our mother nothing.
Track Name: Klondike Days
Klondike Days

i'm at k-days, YAY YAY, YAY YAY, HEY WAIT,
poorly dressed teenagers are holding each other awkwardly,
several tattooed gaunt and sassy carnies trying to talk to me,
i can't hear them properly, i think they're calling names,
calling into question whether or not i'm man enough
when i know they're just convicts who've somehow escaped to canada.
klondike days don't remind me of the gold rush,
i could find more precious minerals inside my sofa,
klondike days remind me of kim mitchell,
three days grace, vomit and big pimples,
and kids, so many kids, little kids, snotting,
spoiled rotten on candied cotton, their parents coughing,
smoking a pack a day and it makes me back away
and now their kids are hitting strangers when they aren't watching
is it just me or is that roller coaster rocking,
i just saw a forty year old woman wearing stockings.
fish stockings! NO JOKE, her husband's got his shirt off.
all of this is rather disconcerting to Joe Gurba
when i was little klondike days was somewhat civil yo
but where did the fancy dresses and people playing fiddle go??

OH NO, I JUST STEPPED IN A PILE OF PUKE
OH NO, THE BILE IS FULL OF DEEP FRIED FOOD,
OH NO, I JUST SAW SOMEONE HIT THEIR KID
OH NO, THE KAMIKAZE'S MAKING PEOPLE SICK
OH NO, IS THAT RAIN OR IS IT SPIT,
OH NO, I THINK IT'S LANDING ON THE KIDS!
OH NO, I THINK THE RIDE OPERATOR'S STONED
OH NO, I'M PRETTY SURE THAT SOMEONE STOLE MY PHONE

now i'm in the line for the gravitron, you know the one,
the one that spins you around very quickly, what's the diffy,
but the line is moving very slowly, and it's long, holy moly.
as i inch towards the front the smell is sort of icky,
the ground is getting sticky and it reeks of stomach acid,
out of the ride an oily teen emerges looking stoked
but the acrid fumes surround him too and now he feels the magic
as the klondike clown puts his finger down his throat,
as his body plied everything that was inside
the people there beside began to board the ride
i yell for help but the carny says he's fine,
i'm the type who learns the easy way, i hop out of the line.
(barf) there's a couple corn dogs
(barf) there's the elephant ears!
(barf) there's deep fried mars bar!
(barf) some bootlegged beers!

OH NO, I JUST STEPPED IN A PILE OF PUKE
OH NO, THE BILE IS FULL OF DEEP FRIED FOOD,
OH NO, I JUST SAW SOMEONE HIT THEIR KID
OH NO, THE KAMIKAZE'S MAKING PEOPLE SICK
OH NO, IS THAT RAIN OR IS IT SPIT,
OH NO, I THINK IT'S LANDING ON THE KIDS!
OH NO, I THINK THE RIDE OPERATOR'S STONED
OH NO, I'M PRETTY SURE THAT SOMEONE STOLE MY PHONE

So I figured I should go and get some mini donuts,
when some carny who was looking for a fresh opponent
tells me i could win a prize with a water gun,
he said i'd probably win and it's a lot of fun,
i told him no! what? he told me yes! what!
I'm going home! what? pull up your dress! what?
what you say carny! oh! I said put down the purse. huh?
look at you, you're a carny, you're like human dirt! yup!
I woke up on the ground, nooooo
someone puked on me, nooooo
i couldn't hear out of my left ear
and there was a little kid kicking me. brutally.
I stumbled to my feet and out to the road
when i arrived where my car should be, it was towed,
so i slowly limped away to the lrt,
but i didn't have my wallet or my cell on me,
so i stumbled on the train hoping not to get caught
but at the very next stop there was a transit cop.
he didn't even ask me if i had a bus pass,
he just grabbed my head and kneed me in the face.
over and over and over again.
klondike days.


OLD UGLY
Track Name: Hire Me
HIRE ME

NOW I GOTTA GET A JOB
GOTTA GET A JOB, GOTTA GET A JOB, GOTTA GET A JOB,
GOT AN INTERVIEW, DOWNTOWN AROUND TWO,
PUT ON MY BEST SUIT, I TRY TO LOOK CUTE,
I'M WAITING FOR THE BUS, I'M LOOKING AT THE TIME,
THERE'S A STAIN ON MY CUFF, THAT'S A BAD SIGN.
I GET UP OFF THE BUS, I FIND THE RIGHT PLACE,
DOOR GOT ME STUCK, REVOLVING DOORS SUCK,
SECURITY IS PISSED, THEY GOT THEIR EYE ON ME,
I TRY TO ACT CALM, MAINTAIN PROPRIETY,
I ROLL UP TO THE LIFT, I PRESS TWENTY SIX,
I LOOK AT THE TIME, IT'S TWO TWENTY SIX,
I'M LIKE NOOOOOO, TOO LATE FOR THE JOOOOEEE,
I FIGURE I SHOULD DIP, JUST GO HOOOOOME,
BUT DEEP DOWN INSIDE, I KNOW I HAD TO TRY,
I ROLL INTO THE OFFICE AND TELL THEM I'VE ARRIVED:

IT'S THE JOE, THE NUMBER ONE CANDIDATE,
IT'S THE JOE, THE NUMBER ONE CANDIDATE,
I CAN DO MATH, I CAN READ AND WRITE,
I SPEAK ENGLISH, I CAN EVEN TYPE!
I'M THE JOE, I KNOW YOU KNOW THE NAME,
I'M THE JOE, I'VE GOT SOME LOCAL FAME,
I SHOW UP ON TIME, EVEN THOUGH I'M LATE,
I GET SICK A LOT, BUT STILL COME TO WORK!
COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH

beeeat switchchchchch!!!

I STEP INTO THE BOSSES OFFICE, LIMPING DEEP,
HE ASKS ME IF I HURT MYSELF, NAH, THIS IS ME,
HE ASKS ME WHAT I TOOK IN SCHOOL, HISTORY,
AND FOR HOW LONG? HALF OF ONE SEMESTER.
OH WHY IS THAT, THEY WON'T GIVE ME LOANS,
OH WHY IS THAT, MY CREDIT RATINGS BLOWN,
OH WHY IS THAT, OH I KNOW YOU KNOW,
I'M THE FREAKING JOE, I LIVE OFF OF RAP!
BUT NOW YOU WANNA JOB? YES SIR I DO,
SOMETHING REALLY EASY, THAT I CAN HURRY THROUGH,
OH, YEAH, AND I NEED, A LOT OF TIME OFF,
I OFTEN GO ON TOUR, AND I'M SICK A LOT,
BUT EVEN WHEN I'M SICK, I USUALLY SHOW UP,
I USUALLY THROW UP,
I USUALLY COUGH AND COUGH AND COUGH,
BUT NONETHELESS I'M BRILLIANT,
SOME WOULD CALL ME GENIUS,
I'M ONE IN A BILLION,
YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU SEE THIS

I CLIMB UP ON HIS DESK, PULL A MIC OUT MY VEST,
TEAR THE SHIRT OFF MY CHEST, RAP ABOUT HOW I'M BLESSED
WITH THE TALENT OF THE BEST, HOW I ONCE KILLED A BEAR
HOW IF HE CAME TO MY HOUSE, HE WOULD SEE THE RUG IN THERE,
I TELL HIM HE'S RETARDED, I'M THE NUMBER ONE CANDIDATE,
I TELL HIM HE SHOULD HIRE ME IF ONLY HE CAN HANDLE IT,
I BREAK A COUPLE THINGS, SHOW HIM MY FRICKING TEETH,
LET THE DIAMONDS AND THE GOLD IN MY GRILL TALK FOR ME,


CAUSE I'M THE JOE, THE NUMBER ONE CANDIDATE
IT'S THE JOE, THE NUMBER ONE CANDIDATE,
I CAN DO MATH, I CAN READ AND WRITE,
I SPEK ENGRISH, I CAN EVEN TYPE!
I'M THE JOE, I KNOW YOU KNOW THE NAME,
I'M THE JOE, I'VE GOT SOME LOCAL FAME,
I SHOW UP ON TIME, EVEN THOUGH I'M LATE,
I GET SICK A LOT, BUT STILL COME TO WORK!
COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH
Track Name: No Friends ft. Mitchmatic
I HAVE NO FRIENDS
but I'm still cool
I'm still smart, I'm still hot,
NO FRIENDS,
but that's their fault
because they're stupid and i'm not.
NO FRIENDS -
but I'm still healthy,
[cough cough cough] I'm still wealthy,
NO FRIENDS!
and I don't need'em,
i'm not hurt, i'm not bleeding.

Mitchmatic:
Ayo I make and lose friends everyday, keep it fresh,
never fade away in the relational mess.
But yo I make and lose friends everyway, keep it fresh,
but never is it safe to say yes to a friendship
cause kids aint proper.
They tell you "meet you in the school hall" just to stuff you in a locker
but that's cool and I forgive'em for that
but when they come back I give'em hell for lack of water, un.
With the times that be
designed with me
in mind alone, don't mind the privacy of the world.
When no one smiles at me
I think "finally,
all these peeps got it right no keep your eyes off me."
I just need to be alone and go home
without the pressures of the people trying to phone.
If I need to be violent in public just to show'em,
that's find. I'll hurt you if you try to put me in your phone.

I HAVE NO FRIENDS
but I'm still cool
I'm still smart, I'm still hot,
NO FRIENDS,
but that's their fault
because they're stupid and i'm not.
NO FRIENDS -
but I'm still healthy,
[cough cough cough] I'm still wealthy,
NO FRIENDS!
and I don't need'em,
i'm not hurt, i'm not bleeding.

The Joe:
I have no friends! so why should I NOT double park?
Why should I hold the elevator!?
Mash the accelerator; tell a nurse or tell a waiter
not to touch me, not to bug me,
not to LOVE ME!!
Cause my heart is a cold cold country...
I am old and ugly.
I use to enjoy hanging with the boys
making lots of noise but now I'm annoyed.
Now I'm a jerk, always late to work,
mad till it hurts, four letter words.
I mash on the gas, honk as I pass,
making sure I'm first and everyone is last.
Just as a joke I called up my folks,
pretended I's the cops, told them I had croaked,
laughed while they cried, put the phone on the hook,
disconnect the line, cancelled facebook. Say what!?
Then I burnt down my house. Straight up!?
Then I went to greyhound. Wait what!?
When I wake up: I was covered in strange cuts,
sleeping in an airport outside of Mayerthorpe.
I get on the plane. I'm feeling deranged
like Cain, Charlemagne, Tamerlane, and Saddam Hussein.
This is strange, now I'm flying the plane!
And it's Boxing Day and I'm headed for W.E.M. (West Edmonton Mall!!)
Now I'm going to the mall to meet up with my friends.
I text them how I feel, descend and press send.

LA LA LAA LA LA LA

I HAVE NO FRIENDS
but I'm still cool
I'm still smart, I'm still hot,
NO FRIENDS,
but that's their fault
because they're stupid and i'm not.
NO FRIENDS -
but I'm still healthy,
[cough cough cough] I'm still wealthy,
NO FRIENDS!
and I don't need'em,
i'm not hurt, i'm not bleeding.
Track Name: Without This Fire
I dwell inside the shoe box,
inside the safety deposit box,
inside the shed and you got it locked,
inside the locket on your neck and I'm walking with the dead,
I think I'm talking to myself.
I mean you speak with the devil —
every bus ride's a temple
where your headphones will level
any chance outta hell —
I think I'm talking to myself.
I get this nauseous feeling no one is listening,
even though the stars are glistening
and everything is working out.
I'm the fire you always heard about,
don't you remember? was anybody listening?
I could topple over mountains into quiet valleys
or perhaps I'll weave a highway through a silent alley.
I worked for years and paid my dowry!
how come all around me nobody's listening?

we've got a fire
in our chest
and it's a fire
that knows our name
and our fire
is burning hot
in our fire
the voice of God
we carry fire
how could we not
without this fire
we would rot
I hold my fire
like it's my child
I know the fire
the voice of God

I had a cousin who lost his head, huge fire in his chest,
camel skin tunic and a flaming life under the sun.
My cousin waist deep in a river, yes,
crowds would come to have him bless anyone who would confess
that they had the fire
but
never wore it on their tongue —
as my cousin did — fire in his lungs, fire in his gums,
fire in his palms, fire in his guts, fire in his blood,
fire on his finger tips, fire never burning up,
only ever turning up, only ever yearning for
burning love forevermore!
My cousin looked me in the eye
and with a heavy knowing sigh
we chant

we've got a fire
in our chest
and it's a fire
that knows our name
and our fire
is burning hot
in our fire
the voice of God
we carry fire
how could we not
without this fire
we would rot
I hold my fire
like it's my child
I know the fire
the voice of God
Track Name: The Idols They Will Make
They made a statue out of me;
they're surrounding me with scaffolding
telling me to hold still
When in actuality
it's impossible, I have to breathe,
I'm starting to get cold chills.
I see them melting precious metals,
stirring in some flower petals,
smelting out the dross.
They've hired shrinks to help me settle
down, "Settle down. While the kettle sounds
try to think of God!"
Now the cauldron's hoisted over me,
I've not been given anesthetic, I don't know
if I can take the heat.
I clench my teeth and groan and wheeze —
my face encrypted with a look of pain and duty
eternally.
Now I see they've chosen copper bronze.
I understand why — cause it will turn green
eventually.
Now the masses take the massive tongs,
they pluck me up, colossus that I am,
from the ground with ease.
They dip me in the black sea,
I feel the salt cauterize my eyes,
and now it's hard to see properly.
The water seems to attack me,
I hum a tune I'd written long ago
to help me cope with such defeat.



They set me in the town square,
I feel the sun glare intensely
on my copper solid carapace
And I can feel the crowd there,
squirming at my feet, marvelling at me,
hurling their imperatives.
I smell the food left at my feet,
entire cattle roasted, wheat and wine
and corn and rice,
And though i hunger like a beast,
I can't move or bend a knee
to eat their sacrifice.
And now I hear their desperate voice,
calling out, all at once,
help us know ourselves.
(help us know ourselves.)
It escalates to such a noise
that I can't tell the words apart, i'm stuck in bronze
how am I suppose to help?
And now they start to sing,
and it's startling, it's a song
that I myself had written once.
Last time I sang it I was gargling,
they must have heard and from this herd
of sheep, the incantation comes,



It isn't long before the food starts to rot,
I can smell it from on high,
the putrid fumes are pungeant,
The masses start to whine a lot,
the sacrifices change from beef
and grouse to leeks and onions,
After weeks and months and years
the faithful disappear, their prayers
and hopes are unfulfilled,
I stand alone on high and hear
the town go about their lives
and I'm alive upon the hill.
A couple generations pass,
men begin to tear the oxidized
copper walls from my skin
They replace their rooves of thatch
with the greening tin
and I begin to get some oxygen
leaking in. gasp.
They pay no heed to me,
they take from me, they cleave from me,
I remember when they needed me.
As the exoskeleton is carried off,
I'm bit by bit released until my eyes can see that
I am not their God.
I stumble off.
I can hear my thoughts,
As I walk away
I can sing again.
Track Name: From Out Of Everything
THIS IS THE SOUND
OF THE STURM AND THE DRANG
THESE ARE THE STREETS
AND WE'RE THE WORM IN THE RAIN
PUT'EM UP
IF YOU HEARD WHAT I'M SAY'N
IT'S OUR NERVES AND OUR VEINS
AND IT'S BURNED IN OUR BRAINS
yeah
IT'S OUR NERVES AND OUR VEINS
AND IT'S BURNED IN OUR BRAINS
yeah
IT'S OUR NERVES AND OUR VEINS
AND IT'S BURNED IN OUR BRAINS

DON'T LET THE MUSIC STOP!

One thing bout music, when it hits you feel no pain,
old folks say it controls your brain and i know exactly what they're saying,
and since the day I came there aint a dang thang changed
since the days of Cain, Charlemagne, Tamerlane, and big daddy cane,
music has been the thang that keeps the population sane,
whether it's poppin or not it has a way of draining through the veins,
it's the lightning and the rain and i'm hugging the weather vane,
gimme the electric vibrato, seratto, apocalyptic pain,
through the generations poets been passing history
through the songs and through the poems and their passing it to me,
me me me and i'm passing it to you,
and props to all of those who take these poems and actually do
what their told to, memorize it, vocalize it,
let it mold you, don't act the punk and enterprise it,
let it quote you as you quote it, know the hook so
when it's our turn to hit the mic we can become the foot note.

THIS IS THE SOUND
OF THE STURM AND THE DRANG
THESE ARE THE STREETS
AND WE'RE THE WORM IN THE RAIN
PUT'EM UP
IF YOU HEARD WHAT I'M SAY'N
IT'S OUR NERVES AND OUR VEINS
AND IT'S BURNED IN OUR BRAINS
yeah
IT'S OUR NERVES AND OUR VEINS
AND IT'S BURNED IN OUR BRAINS
yeah
DON'T LET THE MUSIC STOP!


you know the sound of God, you hear it on the mountain tops
you hear the angel choir start a fire in your fountain pop,
you know the burn of bass, you chase the music through the sour fog,
you can make the clock tower stop ticking but the sound will not,
it will resound forever, man can not abolish it,
the music will go on without us, might as well acknowledge it,
put an ear to the ground and soak it in,
the volcanic terra dome is opening,
the rhythm in the jungle is immitagably rumbling and the mountain men are yodeling
it pulses like the pounding rain but never seems to sound the same,
i can feel the glowing noise employed when ever i sit down to pray,
ohhhhh, and i might as well,
cause the only utter silence is in the depth of hell,
i want not, i need not, i hear God, i see God,
I need that, I need voice, so I can sing his song as well.
i climb that belfry like it never fell and grab the rope and pull like there was still a bell,
and it rejoiced instead of knell with something left to tell.
let it ring...

THIS IS THE SOUND
OF THE STURM AND THE DRANG
THESE ARE THE STREETS
AND WE'RE THE WORM IN THE RAIN
PUT'EM UP
IF YOU HEARD WHAT I'M SAY'N
IT'S OUR NERVES AND OUR VEINS
AND IT'S BURNED IN OUR BRAINS
yeah
IT'S OUR NERVES AND OUR VEINS
AND IT'S BURNED IN OUR BRAINS
yeah
DON'T LET THE MUSIC STOP!
...



this song's alternate title is THE SOUND OF GOD.